How to Give a Pill to a Weenie Dog

Day One

1.  Take Boy Dog (elderly, with hypochondriac tendencies) to vet.

2.  Determine that stubborn nasal infection needs stronger antibiotic...in pill form...beef  

     flavored.

3.  Be assured Boy Dog will LOVE it.
4.  Upon return home, offer pill to Boy Dog.
5.  Observe how he chews it up and swallows.  This is gonna be EASY!

Day Two
     
1.  Repeat Step 4 from previous day.
2.  Observe how Boy Dog accepts pill and spits it out.
3.  Repeat Steps 1 and 2.
4.  Go to refrigerator and select some bacon-cheese dip.  Coat pill and first two fingers of right
     hand with dip.
5.  Offer dip-coated pill to Boy Dog.
6.  Observe how he chews it up and swallows.


Day Three


1.  Go to refrigerator and determine that you are out of bacon-cheese dip.  Select cream 
     cheese.
2.  Encase pill in cream cheese, making sure to get plenty on your fingers, as well.
3.  Offer cream-cheese-coated pill to Boy Dog.
4.  Observe how he accepts pill...licks off cream cheese...and spits pill out.
5.  Repeat Steps 2, 3 and 4...two more times.
6.  On third try, observe how Boy Dog runs away from you.
7.  Retrieve Boy Dog from pillow by sliding glass door.
8.  Firmly grasp him by the neck with your cream-cheese-covered hands and force pill down 
     his throat.
9.  Apologize and clean cream cheese off Boy Dog.


Day Four


1.  Go to refrigerator and...although you have plenty of cream cheese...decide to use peanut
     butter instead.
2.  Coat pill with peanut butter, making sure to smear plenty on your fingers.
3.  Locate Boy Dog, who is sleeping peacefully on couch.
4.  Offer peanut-butter-coated pill.
5.  Observe how Boy Dog runs away from you.
6.  Repeat Steps 4 and 5...three more times.
7.  On fourth try, observe how Boy Dog runs away from you and hides in bed.
8.  Retrieve Boy Dog from bed covers...firmly grasp him by the neck with your peanut-butter-
     covered hands and force pill down his throat.
9.  Apologize and clean peanut butter off Boy Dog.
10. Launder comforter to remove peanut butter stains.


Day Five


1.  Go to refrigerator and...despite yesterday's success...determine to hide pill in small bowl of 
     leftover chicken.
2.  Select recognizable "treat bowl" from cupboard and fill with finely chopped chicken
        breast...being sure to tuck pill well into chicken.
3.  Prepare additional bowl of chicken (sans pill) for Girl Dog...who can smell chicken-chopping 
     in the kitchen from a mile away...and is now whining at your feet.
4.  Offer chicken to Boy Dog and Girl Dog...making sure that Boy Dog gets bowl with pill.
5.  Observe Boy Dog enjoying his chicken.
6.  Restrain Girl Dog...who has finished her chicken and wants to help Boy Dog.
7.  Listen for tiny "clinking" sound, as Boy Dog deftly eats chicken and spits pill pieces back 
     into bowl.
8.  Return to kitchen with bowl and pill pieces.
9.  Add more chopped chicken to bowl.  Finely crush pill pieces and add to chicken, stirring
     well to combine.
10. Offer chicken to Boy Dog...at the same time restraining Girl Dog...who is wondering why 
     SHE did not receive a second bowl of chicken.
11.  Observe how Boy Dog sniffs chicken...touches it with his tongue...and runs away.
12.  Return to kitchen with chicken bowl
13.  Add pumpkin puree to chicken and pill mixture in bowl.
14.  Offer above concoction to Boy Dog...remembering to restrain Girl Dog.
15.  Observe how Boy Dog runs away and hides on rug by front door.
16.  Repeat Step 14.
17.  Observe how Boy Dog runs away and hides on mat by kitchen door.
18.  Repeat Step 14.
19.  Observe how Boy Dog begins to run a circular route through your house...family room to
      living room to foyer to family room...all the while being chased by you and Girl Dog.
20.  Comment to yourself how well the rooms in your house flow into one another.
21.  Corner Boy Dog at front door...set bowl down in front of him...and retreat to living room
      couch...holding squirming Girl Dog firmly in your arms.
22.  Observe how Boy Dog sniffs chicken-pumpkin delight...touches it with his tongue and escapes
      to  pillow by sliding glass door.
23.  Give up...return to kitchen...and throw contents of bowl (chicken, pumpkin and expensive 
      pill) into trash.
24.  Dispense second pill.
25.  Locate Boy Dog...grasp him firmly by the neck...and force pill down his throat.
26.  Do not apologize.
27.  Go to bathroom to assess bite damage to fingers.  Determine that there is no broken skin...
      but, hey...tomorrow is another day.


The upside to all of this is that he is somewhat better.  

The downside is that we have another week of this to look forward to.